Not a come back, but... here’s my come back

It’s a personal post about negative spaces and changes.

*Edited 7/23/18 at 3:15 pm.*

For the last year, my blog has been dormant. I was in a very negative headspace for a multitude of reasons and really felt I could not put out helpful, clear, or positive contributions. I even forewent the IWLA 2018 conference because I wasn’t ready. This post is intended to help anyone else considering major changes in life or is in a less-than-supportive professional environment. 

Changes at school

I was a #deptof1 at a small rural school in Iowa. It was a LOT of work starting curriculum from scratch with no resources. Fortunately, I am a second career teacher who LOVES macro planning (curriculum development). 

I love(d) my kids and getting to see them every year. I was lucky to coach for 2/3 of my years there. My kids were the best in the school, no questions asked (yes, I taught 80% of the school at any given moment). My own two children were loved by my “big kids” and my husband was well-known in the school (bringing me coffee, coming to see my big kids’ games, trading our own children for their after school activities...). 

While I was pretty much left to my own devices, there was a lack of community among the teachers there. Lots of cliques, generic politeness, but I felt a lack of depth of connection. I was never sure what was said and by whom. It was uncomfortable for me but there were many great individuals there that I really enjoyed. I also believed all the teachers were doing their best to teach their students (even if I didn’t agree with methods/content, which is not my job to do). Many teachers were willing to get a bit crazy and enjoy homecoming  week, attempt inter-disciplinary units with me, and supported their students.

Our principal retired and our district hired a new one. I was excited for change (I get bored easily and like a challenge). I saw a division in staff, some seemed to try outshining other teachers by dampening others’ flames. It didn’t feel right in my soul. Students were feeling the impact (not just “new rules”). Students were telling teachers what other teachers were saying (degree of truth?). 

While I was, again, left to my own devices and was allowed to do what I saw fit with my students, my soul felt gross. I wasn’t excited to try new things, I wasn’t excited to go to work. I was also battling some health issues that added to the general crabbiness.

*Edit* Uppon the great feedback and connections I’ve made since this post went up, I feel like I left out my clear responsiblity in this post. My previous school is full of great people. Many teachers I admire still work there; I do NOT want to make it seem like it’s toxic and horrible.

I was, and am, a participant in any workplace I work in. My actions or inactions  participate in that environment. I was not in place personally or professionally to give my best in that setting. That is soley on me and no one else. IT IS NEVER ANYONE ELSE’S RESPONSIBLITY TO ENSURE MY ADULT CAREER IS HAPPY AND PEACEFUL.

I encourage people in any professional setting to look at your happiness. Are you excited to try something new? Is there one part of your day you get excited about? If you cannot answer those questions, I urge you to do self-reflection and think mindfully about you and your situation. You cannot control others, but you can control your choices. (Edit contiued in the summary section below.)

Changes at home

As previously mentioned, I was fighting personal health issues. Turns out my students weren’t exhausting, I had two autoimmune diseases... I still think they were/are exhausting. *Mom-look* to my students who know who they are.

We were also living in the country and it turns out I am allergic to everything outside. Life was rough in all first-world sense of the word.

My husband was waiting to hear about his possible job changes (and moving) when I got a phone call from a friend. A few weeks later I had a job offer to go back to DMPS and a hard decision to make.

Making the decision for a change

I had quite a few people reach out when they saw my job posted. Lots of support, what happened, and congratulations. I made the choice to go back to Des Moines Public Schools. It was also one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make.

We teach because we believe in the power of education. We teach Spanish/Language/Content because we’re nerds. Teaching lets us live our nerdy dreams. We keep teaching because of the kids. I cried, a lot, thinking about leaving my kids. Then my mom and my grandma said the same thing in different phone calls: You cannot do right by those kids if your heart is unhappy, no matter the reasons for the unhappiness.

I was physically ill, allergic to the place I lived, and felt professionally stunted.

Making the change

I remained pretty quiet on my teacher social media. I just wasn’t “over” leaving my high school kids and I felt like I was drowning in the middle school deep-end. Wow, middle school is its own beast. People who teach middle school need BOGO drink tickets to the local bar and immediate sainthood.

That said, my new school is healing my heart. While the kids are overwhelming (sheer numbers), my coworkers love kids, they love what they do, and they are good people. I feel like people are their true selves and it works. We are team at the end of the day, not matter how much we disagree. I was almost hospitalized because I quit breathing the day before spring break and when my team found out 1) they never apologized for sending texts demanding payment for having to also take on my kids :) AND 2) they checked-in on me. They asked if I needed anything (at school or home), and they continued to check-in when we got back from break.

My soul and heart are being fostered in an environment that is right for me. I can serve my kids better because of this. I am happier for this. I STILL MISS MY OTHER KIDS; and that’s okay.

Summary for the reader

Take care of you. I know it’s not that simple; you’re talking about kids, maybe making coworkers or admin unhappy, changing curriculum, maybe moving. It’s a big deal.

You have to do what’s good for your soul, what’s good for your family. Teacher burnout is real, for innumerable reasons. Care for yourself.

*Edit continued* If you feel stuck, build your town tribe. It is extra hard as a department of 1, I promise. That said, find other teachers, NOT IN YOUR DISTRICT, and know them professionally and perosnally. Plan time for shop talk. Just knowing you’re not alone can carry you a whole school year! I am always ready for new friends and to learn new things from others. Find me on Facebook or email and I am happy to say hi.

Picture is of our team at Brody Middle School and used without their permissions. These two men were so essential in helping heal my professional, and personal, life. I will miss both of them this next year as they continue with their paths (professional chior director and returning to Spain to be with family).

P.S. I took my coworks and unhealthy amount of chococlate to apologize for being gone the day before break. Always take care of yourself AND your people.